Character Assassination: Thor

Character Assassination is a WASDuk weekly analysis, where we take apart and expose famous video game characters.  This week: Thor, otherwise known as The Thunderer!

Good morning, WASDuk summoning Pink Floyd to make fun of Republicans, Your Honor.

The character assassination will plainly show the prisoner,

who now stands before you,

was caught red-handed showing feelings.

Showing feelings of an almost human nature;

this will not do.

First, call the post-modern master!

Exhibit A:

The cinematic Thor was actually Masters of the Universe

Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5

WASDuk always said copy-cat Gods would come to no good!

In the end, Your Honor,

if they’d let me have my way, I could have flayed Thor into shape.

But my hands were tied,

the bleeding hearts and artists let him get away with murder.

Let me hammer him today?

Exhibit B:

Thor’s Mjolnir is more powerful than any weapon on Earth.

Others can lift it though. This Thor is no American, no British.

North Korea or the Middle-East Could Use Mjolnir Against Us!

WonderWomanHammer

These Amazons, as they are called, wear the colors of America: Red, White, and Blue. What’s to stop their Princess, Diana from killing every male on the planet?

beta ray bill

Similarly, another race of aliens have developed their own God, Beta Ray Bill. What’s to stop the Muslims from giving Mjolnir to Allah?

cap

A mortal named Steve Rogers was able to easily lift the hammer, but the Hulk had difficulty. Thor loses his hammer more often than an amnesiac loses his faith on a Radiohead album.

herc

Other Gods like Hercules have used Mjolnir to enforce his own sense of morals and ethics on the world. Your Honor, are Gods above the law?

You little shit, you’re in it now!

I hope they throw away the key.

You should have talked to Earth more often than you did, but no!

You had to go your own way!

Have you broken any homes up lately?

Just five minutes, Thor!

Your Honor, him and me, alone.

Exhibit C:

Thor can’t keep his home life straight.

How can he be elected a God and an Avenger, if he can’t keep his home in order?

thor kissing sif

The Thunderer claims that Sif, his warring partner, is the only one who can calm his fury. What happens when he loses his calm? Who will pay the price?

StormkissesThor

Storm, a citizen from Africa, also was intimate with Thor. If Sif finds out, then Thor’s calm demeanor will be shattered. The Gods will undoubtedly declare war on Africa and, guaranteed, the Earth!

thor kissing jane foster

Jane Foster, an American citizen, has also been intimate with Thor. Undoubtedly, these Gods know of Thor’s actions. America, Africa- the list is simply growing. And, we are not even done!

The evidence before you is incontrovertible,

there’s no need for the jury to retire.

Exhibit D:

Even Data East knows Thor is lame.

He wasn’t included in their 1991 button-masher,

Captain America & The Avengers! Thor sucks!

220px-Captain_America_Arcade

The Marvel Universe and Data East had the Vision that we need: NO MORE THOR!

220px-Captain_America_and_The_Avengers

Thor is so taken-up with women, mead, and losing Mjolnir that the Avengers, Earth’s greatest heroes, choose not to include him.

In all my years of judging,

I have never heard before of some God more deserving of the full penalty of law.

The way Thor made them suffer,

his exquisite girls and now dead mother,

fills me with the urge to defecate!

Since, Thor, you have revealed your

deepest fear,

WASDuk sentences you to be exposed before your peers.

Tear down The Thunderer!

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One thought on “Character Assassination: Thor

  1. Pingback: There Is No Fate But What We Snake: How a Radioactive Cobra Humanized Marvel’s Thor | THE EXTREMIS REVIEW

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