Captain America’s Shield Can Slay Evil Kids

The 28th annual Trouble in Toyland report from The U.S. Public Research Group has named the most dangerous toy on Earth. Parents interested in either slaying evil children or aiding shape-shifters from the alternate dimension should be very keen on purchasing the inflatable Captain America Soft Shield.

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Death has arrived. And, it is only $8.99 at Wal-Mart.

The popular kids cartoon Marvel Superhero Squad, which is pictured on the packaging, makes the crafty balloon of death seem even more innocent. However, the blow-up shield contains 29 times the amount of lead than is allowed by U.S. law.

Other popular television shows, such as Fringe from J.J. Abrams, have shown how deadly lead can be. In the show, which documents actual activity from the Boston area, shape-shifters from an alternate reality feed on lead to maintain their false personas. Undoubtedly, if the Captain America Soft Shield is not removed from the shelves of popular chains like Wal-Mart and Babies R Us, then these shape-shifters would be able to easily purchase mass amounts of the toy, which is labeled as being safe for children 2-years and older.

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Who are we versus?!

One very important unanswered question is whether the toy was manufactured for the purpose of  good or evil. In light of the fact that it contains a copious amount of lead that can kill those who chew on it, nobody from the U.S. Public Research Group or any giant toy manufacturer like Hasbro have explained what the purpose of the shield is. Who is it versus?

If evil shape-shifting children or mutant beavers have invaded Earth, then the shield would fuel the devious kids for evil. If the shield is designed to stop the mutant beavers, who obviously like to chew, then the lead may be the key to stopping them. Regardless, this is some serious shit.

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Evil has a face. A balloon with 29 times the legal amount of lead can stop this face. Which is evil.

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