NEWSFLASH: Thousands of Useless Idiots first to buy Next-Gen Console

Great, moronic flocks of people still wait outside shops in horrendous weather for the privilege of being one of the first 200,000 to own a next-gen console, sources have confirmed.

we were kind of hoping there’d be gas in those pipes

Despite these new consoles being at their absolute peak price, having no decent games available yet and being the edition of the console most prone to hardware fault, hordes of absolute fuckwits have been queuing outside in the pouring rain for the chance to own something which has all the basic functionality of a laserdisc player.

Asked why they were paying over the odds for a presently-useless piece of shit, one complete fucking moron cited the “prestige of early adoption” and “excited atmosphere”, as he pulled his rain-slicked plastic poncho tighter in a desperate effort to shake off hypothermia.

Another massive tool was quick to add mention of the “really awesome, carnival atmosphere” as he shuffled forward slowly, like some cold, downtrodden soviet waiting in line for salt.

The Xbox One console released but a few days ago, and pop-up shops were erected in order to deal with the supremely-large influx of absolute dead-heads and total dunderheads that had already started to queue up to buy one.

This early edition of the Xbox One comes with a special commemorative controller with the words “day one” scrawled across it, possibly as a kind of territorial marking tactic.  Much as a lion will piss near the bodies of recently-taken gazelle as if to say “this is my fatty, brain-dead pile of flesh.  Find your own, Sony.”

he can’t wait to go home and play FIFA 14. He’s so tired of FIFA 13.6

Sony’s next-gen console, the PS4, will release at the end of the week to what can only be assumed to be “the same kind of hyped-up bullshit as this one, but with a different coloured box”, and no doubt a completely different long string of shit-for-brains will wait patiently for the opportunity to buy that one too, rather than get the fucking thing cheaper on Amazon when there are games available.

But for now, with the feeding frenzy of the Xbox One over with, we can only wait in anticipation for the inevitable shower of imbeciles that claim Dead Rising 3 to be the pinnacle of gaming achievement in order to stave off 430 pounds worth of buyer’s remorse.

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