Amazing Spider-Man 2 Already Insignificant

When the cinematic incarnation of Spider-Man began again, casting Andrew Garfield as the friendly neighborhood cameraman was a great move. Spider-Man’s alter-ego of Peter Parker is a scientist with genius potential, who was always held back by his frustrating short-comings based on poverty. Tobey Maguire never truly captured that angle, although his second film displayed a few short, pointed monologues from Doctor Octopus about Parker’s intelligence. Unfortunately, Maguire whined and moped a lot in the next installment, and Peter Parker’s development went from stagnant to campy waste.

tm1

I am so Emo. I drink my web fluid, but I love my web fluid. Yeah?

A second factor that hurt the last installment in Sam Raimi’s trilogy was studio interference from Sony. Constant script alterations and a newer villain in Venom, based on alien origins, did not mix well with the superior and classic Sandman villain.

As a result, the villain chosen to re-introduce Spidey was the Lizard, who is another classic villain. However, the Lizard was reduced to another ridiculous baddie for the long list of CGI messes with absolutely zero personality or relevance. As a result, Andrew Garfield’s delivery of Spidey’s sarcastic side and his natural genius-loser demeanor was wasted. Critics were not very kind to the Lizard and they justly noted that this Sony re-boot was premature.

lizard

The Lizard joins the ranks of the Power Rangers. Actually, the Power Rangers were better. My apologies to all you Power Rangers fans.

Do you know what always fixes a schlock-stuffed mess of a super-hero movie though? Star power does! When Tim Burton’s Batman franchise went belly-up in attempts to promote toy sales, the studios brought in Val Kilmer, Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Clooney, and Alicia Silverstone, among others, to draw viewers. Despite the horrible mess these stars waltzed into, audiences rushed to the box-office against their better senses.

batgirl

Star power! Can you feel it, Uncle Alfred?!

Now, with the realization that the Amazing Spider-Man franchise is, like those Batman films, worthless dribble, the unnecessary casting of stars to try to mask the horrible film has begun. Just as Tommy Lee Jones became Two-Face after an Oscar, so will Jamie Fox become Electro after an Oscar. Have you seen his imitation Mr. Freeze get-up?

electro

“Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

More importantly, once the studios saw a rough copy of footage and shots of Electro grimacing, they rushed to cast Paul Giamatti as the Rhino. Get a load of him below.

pgrhino

“Yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!”

The best way to interpret Paul and Jamie’s silly faces is to say the following aloud: Fuck us, the fans.

Sony owns the license to Spidey, but they are working closely with DC/Marvel because they want toy sales, which produce far more revenue than films. We know what they are doing, because other studios have done it before.

We are supposed to buy that Giamatti is a Russian terrorist turned unstoppable force? Oh, good god. Words cannot suffice how disastrous this is.

Therefore, let’s just admit that this movie is going to suck big red donkey dick. The memories of those Batman films, where the studio just wanted cash and a single hint of competent dialogue was as easy to find as a virgin at a Catholic Prom, show exactly what this Spidey film is going to be.

Don’t watch it. You know it will be as fun as attending mass during a hangover.

But, you are all going to because none of you have the ability to listen to your better judgment. You’ll guarantee a sequel and the weird spin-offs starring Pauly Shore as Carnage and Nic Cage as Vulture will begin.

Fuck this.

freeze electro

“Freeze. Cool Pah-tee! I lub your back. A-ha, ha. Bank.”

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One thought on “Amazing Spider-Man 2 Already Insignificant

  1. Pingback: New, Stupid Amazing Spider-Man 2 Pics Reveal 1/2 the Sinister Six | WASD UK

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