Character Assassination: Princess Peach

Each Friday, the WASDUKians hang either a popular or a wet-behind-the-ears character out to dry. Last week we killed Albert Wesker. No mercy! 

Voltaire wrote the infamous quote that the best government is a benevolent tyranny tempered by an occasional assassination. Princess Peach of Super Mario Bros. fame is seen by the hoi polloi, or common people, as a cute ruler with a kind heart. However, her actual background and history suggest the contrary. It is far too often that the case of dull minds and their less than elementary understandings are forged by popular media. Both readers and gamers should stop and consider the history of Peach and her Mushroom Kingdom legacy. How did she rise to power? What is the history behind the established ruling class of her kingdom? Most importantly, is she tyrannical in terms of things Voltairian?

Peach in jail

Peach was arrested after partying too hard at Studio 54. The case files have been sealed.

Historical records and red sheets from China reveal that Pea Dowager Chi (often referred to as Pea’chi) was born November 29, 1835. She was the illegitimate daughter of China’s Xianfeng Emperor, who had a stable of prostitutes, including several of British nationality. The Emperor impregnated one of his British concubines, and he allowed the baby to be born in the hopes that she would be a male. His dreams did not come to fruition and his daughter was, therefore, named an imperial concubine in her adolescence. Her blonde hair and blue eyes were a sexual luxury to the Emperor, and her British heritage was hidden from the greater public. It was later mandated that she was sent by the gods to reward the ruling classes of the time.

At the age of 15, Pea’chi gave birth to the son of the Xianfeng Emperor, who was also her father. This would be the only male birthed between the Emperor, his wife and his many concubines. Pea’chi’s son was named To’ad.

p and t

Pea’chi presents To’ad, heir to the Emperor’s throne, to the People.

Unlike many other women in the imperial harem, Pea’chi was known for her ability to naturally yet inexplicably read and write in Chinese, Japanese, Korean and English, as well as to hover. This granted her ample opportunities to help the ailing Emperor in daily governing. On various occasions, the Xianfeng Emperor had Pea’chi write and leave instructions on the palace memorials according to his will. The end result was that Pea’chi became well-informed about state affairs, and learned the art of state governing from the ailing ruler.

By the time of the Xianfeng Emperor’s death, Pea’chi had become a shrewd strategist. In Beijing, while waiting for an astronomically favorable time to transport the Emperor’s coffin, Pea’chi would liaise with powerful court officials and imperial relatives to seize power. Pea’chi’s position as the lower-ranked Empress had no political power attached. Furthermore, her son, To’ad was not a political force himself. By the age of 8, To’ad could neither write essays nor communist-themed laws to keep Western values at bay, which all Chinese children learn by the age of 4. Consequently, it became necessary for her to ally herself with other powerful figures such as Bow Xiar of the Q’pa military regime in Shanghai. Taking advantage of the naïveté of the late Emperor’s principal wife, the Empress Zhel Dha, Pea’chi suggested that they become co-reigning Princesses, with powers exceeding the Eight Regent Yhou Shi Ministers.

zp

Pea’chi and Zhel’da were overjoyed with both their political prowess and executions.

What followed in the steps of Pea’chi and Zhel Dha’s rise to power became known as The Hundred Days of Assassination Law for the Betterment of The People’s Rest Time Go. Seven of the Eight Regents were executed. Zhel Dia recommended the most torturous deaths for the majority of these Regents, which was called the Slow Tri-Slice Force. Pea’chi gained favor among the remaining imperials by denying this execution strategy. She instead had the Regents beheaded, and their heads were placed upon the Slow Tri-Slice Force blades, which were large triangular fan-swords, in each of the major provinces with high ruling members of the Bow Xiar led military.

Pea’chi publicly opposed and halted train construction in China because it would disturb her sleep. Pea’chi banned travel by train and, instead, had her illiterate son, To’ad develop a large series of underground pipes.

By 1908, Pea’chi and To’ad had finished overseeing the construction of the vast series of underground pipes beneath all of China. The pipes would quietly and secretly transport citizens and opium to various regions. However, with the irresponsible To’ad, who by this time could only communicate in a yelp-like series of high-pitched screams, overseeing transportation within the system of pipes, it all became infested. Crabs, turtles, mushrooms and a spread of a wide variety of viruses decimated its eunuch population, who were slaves that carried out the underground tasks in the pipes. Seeing his opportunity, Bow Xiar stepped forward and began to insert a military coup to rid China of To’ad, Pea’chi and Zhel Dha.

toad vs bowser

It was not above Pea’chi’s shrewdness to defend herself with her own son, who was also, technically, her brother.

Fearing for their lives, To’ad began expanding the underground pipes. By 1910, the pipes spread completely under the ocean and were able to transport people and goods from China all the way to New York. To’ad embezzled a fortune of currency from the pipe’s opium trade, and founded the Mushroom Kingdom. Meanwhile, Pea’chi and To’ad disappeared from history, were declared enemies of the People of China, and wouldn’t be heard from again until 1940.

Pea’chi, in the meantime, used the system to go to Italy, where she changed her name to Peach and studied proper governance while serving as a concubine to Benito Mussolini. Under Mussolini, every night consisted of inane rants during sex that enraged Peach. She had lost everything, but was quickly learning the ways of a proper non-Western ruler.

Peach fled Italy after Mussolini had lost power. She returned to the ancient system of pipes and took them to New York. Once there, she recruited former members of the Nazi party in Italy, who had disguised themselves as plumbers. Their unified hatred towards Western ideals and the allied victory over their beloved Reich raised a curiosity towards the tales of the underground Mushroom Kingdom.

mario luigi peach

Because the people say, we drive.

The “plumbers” had been tasked with protecting the Nazi’s super-soldier serum that was perfected shortly before Hitler’s downfall. With the formula in-hand Peach, Mario and Luigi sought out the Mushroom Kingdom.

While in the pipes, the trio contracted a number of viruses at the same time such as AIDS, syphilis, and pneumonia. The super-soldier serum inadvertently mixed with these viruses and the other rare creatures in the pipes that To’ad had originally allowed, like crabs and turtles. The trio thought that they were dying. However, after fainting from exhaustion inside the pipes, they awoke inside a large castle. Bow Xiar had fled China as well after suffering a defeat at the hands of Japan, and he was now going by the title of Bowser. To’ad had learned to speak in broken English, and had not aged a day since 1910. His difficulty in pronouncing Bow Xiar, had led the king of the Mushroom Kingdom to adopt Bowser as his ruling title.

Indeed, the mixtures of the Nazi serum, the entry of both the world’s and especially China’s high pollutants, in addition to the bizarre animal and plant life that had been bred in the pipes, which could access every location on Earth, resulted in bizarre, deformed people and animals.

200px-NES_Super_Mario_Bros

Bow Xiar (aka Bowser) kindly took in the mutated plant life, which had been spawned into man-like deformities via weird science. However, the former Nazi agents saw fit to assassinate them all.

Everyone in the Mushroom Kingdom soon discovered that they could not age. Mario, Luigi and Peach began to plot a take over in order to further the studies of the mysterious pipes and Kingdom and how the Nazi serum could be enhanced.

In 1985, Bowser began to fear for his throne and kidnapped Peach to preserve his established utopia of Western values. Mario and Luigi were enraged, injected themselves with copious amounts of heroine and Nazi serum, and hunted down Bowser. Large portions of Bower’s army were assassinated by being burnt at the stake. Just as Peach had risen to power in China, so would she and the former Nazi’s rule the Mushroom Kingdom.

peach

There have been a series of attempts on Pea’chi’s (aka Peach) life, though non have proven permanent.

To’ad was given the title of Toad, which she thought was fitting since his tiny arms and brain had still not developed the ability to write. Luigi experienced unexpected side-effects from the serum and gained the ability to jump high. While he contemplated the possibility of returning to America to play professional basketball, he knew that leaving the pipes and his new kingdom would result in him aging again and even being arrested as a war criminal.

In fact, Mario and Peach also shared his fears. In response, they spent the next three years enhancing the Nazi serum. By 1988, the serum had granted additional benefits. Toad was cloned hundreds of times and he and his brethren rose to the population of an army. Peach mandated that all Toads would be castrated so that the populations could be controlled. Mario and the others, like Toad, stopped aging and actually regained a large portion of their youth.

220px-Smb2_comparison

Bowser, once again, clothed the outcast creations at the hands of the careless Nazi’s, who once again assassinated nearly all of them through the combined efforts of the Plumbers, the brain-washed Toad, and Peach’s unrelenting violence.

Some practices from their time in New York were adopted to create nationalistic pride. Car races, tennis and soccer were allowed as past-times. Peach has also channeled art through video games to establish an extra pipeline of wealth from uneducated enthusiasts. Bowser continues to try to usurp the throne in order to establish fair democratic practices, yet remains thwarted and unsuccessful.

To this day, Peach’s drug abuse, prostitution, illegitimate child and his castrated clones, assassinations, and inhumane scientific practices have allowed her and her Nazi allies to maintain their Voltairian rule. Her tyranny is even more terrifying in light of the fact that it is funded almost entirely through video game sales from the East and West. Some day the world will unite to remove this purulent cunt from power.

The_Desert_Peach_1

A pop-art representation of Peach in one of her many military uniforms.

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