EXPOSED! Gamers slightly less awful than normal people

A new article for the Daily Mail online has revealed shocking news!  ‘Gamers’ are slightly less likely than normal people to engage in the tedious social rituals that surround us at all times, like a massive electrified net.

seriously, fuck this guy

Gamers have been found to show declining interest in the mundane and trivial arcana of hanging out with friends or attending hen parties, preferring instead to have fun and enjoy themselves rather than sit around in a pub while people mutter at each other over their phones or dress up like a policewoman and fall asleep in the gutter behind a kebab shop after a tearful, daiquiri-fueled catfight.

Gamers in Birmingham have even been found to spend up to £253 on gaming in a year, which in a normal, responsible person would cut severely into the budgets needed to maintain their predilection for fake gold chains and glue-on fingernails.

The research, conducted by Domino’s Pizza for some reason, also found that female gamers were more likely to miss out on funerals to feed their disgusting habits, again choosing to get away from the horror of modern faceless society for five fucking minutes than to pretend to cry over a box while some bitch she hasn’t spoken to for ten years frowns at her choice of shoes.

now buy more pizza, you simpering filth-sacks

A spokesperson for Domino’s reported:

‘With the number of new launches coming up this month, including PS4 and Xbox One, we’re expecting a spike in orders from across the country as gamers batten down the hatches and prepare to stay in and test out their new high-tech gadgets.’

Which makes us wonder at the ability of pizza spokespersons to accurately report broad social trends, but it is also explained that:

Call of Duty and FIFA fans showed a preference for Pepperoni, while Grand Theft Auto players hanker after a Hawaiian as their topping of choice

so that’s okay then.

Even more shockingly, many gamers even declined sex in order to keep playing, and admit that video games are the “third person” in their relationship, albeit a really awesome person that lets you be the dragonborn, the hero of the citadel and the crimelord of liberty city, and doesn’t embarrass you in starbucks by bursting into tears over where her career is going.

A number of people in Birmingham even claim to have found love in online games, no doubt finding Azeroth to be populated by far fewer Orcs and Trolls.

Look HERE for the original article on


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