Jump into the way-back machine and venture to a time before dial-up modems. This week’s “How to” segment will take readers to a distant planet where humans take on fire-breathing alien dragons called Fygars as well as alien Pooka tomatoes that wear goggles.
Skins and a template already exist for the Dig-Dug film. The problem in creating a movie based on the game would be showcasing Dug’s weapon, which is basically a pump, in a competent manner. Thus, a certified bad-ass with both a gruff, intimidating voice and who is also the modern equivalent to 1982’s Dolph Lundgren is needed. Make sure you’re not under a loose space-boulder, grab an oxygenated suit, and hold on to your dirt. This is how you make a Dig-Dug film, gangstas!
The name of the planet that the 1982 Namco game takes place on is unknown, and that is okay. Nobody needs to know it as it builds mystery and suspense. Thus, familiar planets like Mars or Venus are absolutely off limits, as the alien enemies are also unknown hostile species. As a result, Dug needs to be played by a vibrant star who has proven that he can hold his own. The obvious choice is, therefore, Vin Diesel.
Dug is another quandary since early video games didn’t need much (if any) of an explanation, so his back-story will give artistic freedom and interpretation to the directors and producers. In all of his incarnations, Dug has worn the same white space suit that either has blue goggles or a standard helmet. He also has an extendable vacuum-tube with a spear-like end. His weapon is strong enough to pierce the skins of the alien dragons and tomatoes and, once it is inside them, inflates them until they explode.
To ensure that Dig-Dug would get the best from everyone, it would need to be attached to the same person who directed every Riddick film, David Twohy. Those unfamiliar with his work may recall him as the writer for both G.I. Jane and Waterworld. An intelligent studio would pay him a cool $100,000 to use the find and replace feature on the WORD version of the script for Pitch Black. He could simply find the name Riddick and replace it with Dug. A few delete strokes and the title header is ready to be changed to Dig-Dug.
With the leading man and director attached, it is now time to get some strong supporting cast members. One of the major faults with bringing other franchises from the early 80’s to the silver-screen was that their naivety bled through into unsubstantiated cheese. GI Joe was a boring mess. While it rewarded us by using Cobra Commander’s spastic vocals, it couldn’t translate the rest of the cast and setting comfortably into an adequate script. In addition, we are not going for adequate, people. Everybody wants Dug and his cohorts to pave the way for other forgotten franchises to roll again.
Unfortunately, Radha Mitchell has aged out of her action-heroine days. Thankfully, Rhiana Griffith has aged into an amazingly sultry action-vixen. In Pitch Black, she played a teenager swooned by Riddick’s bad-boy attitude. They were the lone-survivors of the conflict. Therefore, she would step forward in Radha’s place as the tough pilot of the vessel that crash lands on the alien planet.
To fortify the cast, Claudia Black, John Moore and the other passengers from the Riddick intro would recycle their roles. This time around, the majority would be farmers, not Muslims visiting New Mecca, travelling to stabilize the atmosphere of a planet for colonization. Dug would be a convict on transport. When pitching this idea, the set-up to include how Dug, the farmers, and the other passengers fit like dead plants in humus would read as follows:
The space transport vessel “Dig-Driller” is carrying 40 people on-board when it crash lands on a desert planet after being struck and damaged during a meteor storm. There are only 12 survivors, among them are pilot Toby “Kissy” Masuyo (Who has assumed command after the ship’s captain is killed), bounty hunter William Drillman, elderly farming man Bara Al-Duke, Antiques dealer Japan C. Pumpvil, settlers and farmers Horatio ‘Zo’ Tai, his lover Wilma Shazza and Dig-Dug, a dangerous escaped convict. Marooned, the survivors find the barren and hot desert-scape has sunlight from four suns. Not only must they find food and water and worry about Dug, notorious for killing with a crafted drill, the survivors find themselves being hunted by the planet’s flesh-eating alien inhabitants. When the planet is engulfed in darkness, which happens every 5 years, the Fygars and Pookas emerge from underground to hunt and eat all signs of life. Kissy and the survivors find Dug is their best chance of survival. He has both surgically enhanced eyes that allow him to see in the dark and a high-tech drill-pump attached to his spine. They set out to find a way of escaping from the planet and getting to a shuttle, before they all get eaten by the hostile and blood-thirsty species of this planet.
Indeed, innocent farmers and a well-intentioned bounty hunter are stranded and left to their own devices. The Pookas and Fygars, once the sun went down, would emerge and reap chaos as they fought each other, killed their own, and feasted on any other species found. During the day, there would be hints of their presence as the group explores an underground cave and an abandoned settlement site, both of which have been picked to the bone by the aliens.
Furthermore, seeing Dug gripped by the sudden responsibility of saving the parties to his captor would maintain a suspenseful, tense aura. Just as the above picture shows, he would be confined to a foreign desert, completely dependent on his surgically implanted murdering tool, as well as negotiating with a lowly captain for his life.
The climax would also parallel Pitch Black. As the surviving passengers enter the escape shuttle, the Fygars and Pookas begin to swirl around them. The unsuspected are torn limb from limb as Dug and Kissy power-up the ship and rocket off the planet. Where they are headed is anyone’s guess. Unlike this exact ending in the latter though, the Fygars will be seen also exiting the planet’s atmosphere and chasing Dug and Kissy’s vessel moments later, once they think they are safe. This would set-up a possible sequel to continue the expansion of Dig-Dug‘s universe.
Next, Vin Diesel will voice the spin-off anime version of Dug. Studios like Sony and Disney would start buying EVERYTHING! A few misses like Castlevania, starring Michael Fastbender in the titular role of Simon with James McAvoy as Dracula, are bound to appear. Regardless, the $6,000,000,000,000 surplus of Dig-Dug from domestic and local theaters would guarantee a vast salary for gifted idea-men who know how to use the find and replace option in WORD correctly.
Finally, if you still haven’t bought in, gangstas, then watch Vin Diesel’s audition tape for the Dug role below. We haven’t seen acting prowess like this since Ah’nold became Last Action Hero! BANTER!
Chris Patton is the best-selling author of Mormons in the Attic. It tells the story of an aged, senile Barak Obama, who allows Mormon missionaries to enter his house and share their testimonies. When he forgets to take his medication, the former President halucinates and mistakes the Mormons for George Bush and Geraldine Ferrarro. What transpires is best described as haunting. You can read more of Chris’s stories at WASDUK.com and LaserLemming.com
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