Metallica: Through the Never Deserves EVERY Oscar

Say what you like about Metallica, because they’ve heard it all and they don’t care. Sell outs, lame, contrived, Alcoholica- it’s all been said. Furthermore, movies based on bands is nothing new. The Beatles got their films right, the Spice Girls film nailed their coffins shut, and the untalented big-screen dribble of Bieber and One Direction were immediate after-thoughts.

Unfortunately, as much as 33.3% of WASDUK dislikes Metallica (I can’t speak for the remaining 66.3%), this 33.3% must now admit to having a crush on them. Their new film Metallica: Through the Darkness is laugh out loud, kooky, simple, sing along magic. How the hell did they pull this off? Timing is everything. Either you have it or you don’t.

Metallica and their cohorts have it. However, rather than go on and on about my new cinematic love-affair, which instantly deserves every Oscar just because, I shall steal and edit one of the greatest monlogues of the past decade as delivered by the glorious Meryl Streep to summarize how fantastic Metallica’s big-screen entry is:

“This ‘Metallica is shit’? Oh, ok. I see, you think this has nothing to do with you. You go to your music folder and you select out, oh I don’t know, that lumpy Lil’ Wayne track, for instance, because you’re trying to tell the world that you take your image too seriously to care about what you put in your ears. But, what you don’t know is that that Lil’ Wayne is not just rap, it’s not electronica, it’s not metal, it’s actually rock n’ fucking roll. You’re also blindly unaware of the fact that in 2002, Nelly, a Lil’ Wayne predecessor and template,  used a collection of AC/DC and Metallica samples to reach the top of the summer charts. And, then, I think it was 2PAC, wasn’t it, who sampled Mike & the Mechanics and drum samples from Metallica’s Lars Ulrich to tell the tale of his mom’s wise words before he died. And, then, hip-hop quickly showed up in the collections of metal heads and youngsters everywhere. Then, it filtered down through the department stores and, then, trickled on down into some tragic online store where you, no doubt, fished it out of some downloadable clearance bin. However, that ‘Metallica shit’ represents millions of dollars and countless jobs and, so, it’s sort of comical how you think that you’ve made a choice that exempts you from the music industry when, in fact, you’re listening to the music that was selected for you by the people in this film. From a pile of ‘Metallica shit.’”

It’s never been about the rules. It’s about the music, no matter what, and it needn’t make much sense otherwise.

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