Fine, not all of the games listed below have had the ability to talk, but nearly every decade since the 1980’s, in which the Earth we live on began, has been stuffed with memorable expressions that originated from them. The quotes below are guaranteed to work as pickups lines at any Coslay event, anywhere in China, which is basically a giant, year-round Cosplay with silly rules, or at any local bar where bull horns can be found on the wall. Try it! It’s Halloween and our only goal is either to make you laugh and reminisce, to get laid, to get you beat-up, or all of those together in the same night. GO!!!
10) “Thank you, Mario! But, our Princess is in another castle!” (Super Mario Brothers)
Logic: Super Mario established huge amounts of street cred for dorky guys who lived in suburbans and refused to drive them. If one could clear the game, then one had status. You became somebody. In grade 3, John Bergenheimer told me that he had cleared Bomber Man. Our whole class rolled their eyes. I announced that I could clear the game in 30 minutes and proved it at a sleepover later that week. That older dude in the suburban? I totally banged his girlfriend. She was a model named Natalia. 4th grade sucked. But, for 3rd grade, I was the fucking KING!!! It still sometimes works in China to this day.
9) “You have died of dysentery.” (Oregon Trail)
Logic: Cougars are amazing cats, and even more fun as women. Thousands of kids remember playing this on the Commodore 64, and dying of dysentery while playing Oregon Trail was the ONLY time that it was acceptable to say it. You just can’t say this aloud anymore. But, if you do, and that hot 2nd grader from 1983 recognizes the quote, then her memories of fun and youth come flooding back. All of a sudden, you are that jock, because you dressed as a jock for Halloween, and she is whatever she is. Together? Well, that’s at least 2 minutes.
8) “X-Men, welcome to die!” (Magneto, X-Men Arcade)
Logic: This game was a mess, because it launched alongside a horrible cartoon. There was a mix-up during a read-through and Wolverine magically transformed from Canadian to Australian. Thus, not only does the cartoon based on the game live on in its infinite badness, but the game was also riddled with odd English.
Now, guys, imagine a girl walking up to you in a bar. She sips her Pabst Blue Ribbon through a large Starbucks straw, but briefly stops to wipe away the excess mead splattered onto her 10 pound cheeks. She licks her lips and says calmly, “X-Men, welcome to die.”
If that’s not sexy heaven, then this reality is just bulls%$t!
7) “Congratulations. This story is happy end. Thank you.” (Ghosts N’ Goblins)
Logic: This game was hard. You know those professional gamers that are like, “I beat Diablo 3 in 3 days. THAT was before the updates made it easier.”
Ghosts N’ Goblins made Diablo 3 look like The Little Mermaid for the original NES. This game was very, very, very, hard. Children pulled out their hair. Adults tried to calm the children by playing it to show them how easy it was and those adults disappeared. Thus, this one does not make for such a great pick-up line as it reflects how even more frustrating the game became after you got Arthur through it.
“That’s it?!?!?!? Really? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
6) “Oh, hi. So, how are you holding up? BECAUSE I’M A POTATO!” (Portal 2)
Logic: At first, a Cosplayer is probably thinking that you are simply inquiring about his or her day. Then, you yelp that line about being a potato. Are you a potato? We don’t know because you are at a Cosplay event speaking with Chun-Li. If you are a potato, then you are about to see the benefits of a reverse-floating helicopter stance. Yeah, baby, yeah.
5) “Why, that’s the second biggest monkey head I’ve ever seen!” (The Secret of Monkey Island)
Logic: While you are out and about trick-or-treating do not succumb to normal practices. Don’t ask, “Trick or treat?”
Rather, when that she or he you are interested in opens the door, simply say, “Why, that’s the second biggest monkey head I’ve ever seen.”
Game over. You have found love- Monkey love.
4) “I feel asleep!!” (Metal Gear)
Logic: Unfortunately, most Americans would stomp their feets ands d-mand that so fun-e? They no no ‘dis pun b rotfl. OMG! I b all :-0 ha, ha, ha
3) “They call me Gato, I have metal joints. Beat me up and win 15 Silver Points.” (Chrono Trigger)
Logic: “What are silver points?” I’ll show you later. “You have metal joints?” Well, I can’t take off my shirt here.
You get the idea. To this day, many of us recent University students ponder the question of whether we are just another Chrono Trigger baby.
2) “The President has been kidnapped by ninjas. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the president?” (Bad Dudes)
Logic: Recite this line to anybody, anywhere. Do it. His or her answer is going to be, “Yes. Let’s go!”
Even if you have chosen to drape a sheet over yourself and claim to be a ghost for Halloween- THIS. NEVER. FAILS.
1) “Jill, here’s a lockpick. It might come in handy if you, the master of unlocking, take it with you.” (Resident Evil)
Logic: Say this in Los Angeles and you’ll be mistaken for a genius script-writer. Say it while in Swansea and you won’t get stabbed. You’ll either wind up as the rogue leader of an underground scooter-gang of weavers, or as the most desirable man or woman to ever stroll Melrose.
Hell, you could make it onto American Idol simply by saying this instead of singing. It’s better than singing. It’s better than dressing as a cybernetic potato at a Cosplay event in China. It is the best thing ever written by a computer game. What’s the score? Resident Evil: 1, Shakespeare: 0