Pokemon X and Pokemon Y are about to consume hard-core fanatics with a predisposed genetic affinity towards cock-fights and Michael Vick-ary, or the enjoyment of watching young children train animals to kill each other. The new Pokemon games brag of offering well over 700 species to capture, train, level-up, and gain medals and badges with. However, not all of those cute, seizure-inducing pocket-monsters are that great.
No, most of them are just useless, and a select few should just be thrown outta the game for the following reasons: no move-sets, reduced or weak statistics, their idea is far grander than their use, and appearances add salt to the wounds of catching a useless animal.
The first generation of Pokemon were far and away the best. They established the world-wide phenom to such a degree that even the movies didn’t have to be adequate. The movies could SUCK and bore everyone to death, and world-wide fans would still support the monsters to no end.
The opening to the first games, like every game, offered a choice of 3 special Pokemon called starters. Then, your 12 year-old hero was off to build a team. Beedrill and Butterfree were two of the easiest Bug Pokemon to evolve and you could catch them at the beginning of the game. Butterfree could learn Psychic attacks and could also learn poison and sleep inducing spore attacks. However, Beedrill, its nemesis, had huge drill-like arms and was the first certified bad-ass looking monster one encountered in the game.
With that being said, Beedrill was useless. Its move-set hurt nothing and its combination of Bug and Flying types didn’t exactly let it stand up to ANY attack. Birds could munch on it, rocks would double-squish it, and its huge drill arms offered no special or unique attacks. Thus, this Pokemon had no worthwhile move-sets, an over-abundance of weaknesses, and remains a truly wasteful entry. Butterfree, on the other hand, could roll through the first 3 gyms easily until it peaked and its tricks ran out with higher level opponents. Sigh.
Spore was an attack that put opponents to sleep 100% of the mother-fucking time. Not 90% or 99.9%, but 100%! How amazing is that?! As soon as a spore attack was released, and Parasect was the only Generation 1 Pokemon that could learn it, you had free reign on what to do next. If Parasect had any other useful moves, then this would have been amazing. Hell, if Team Rocket had loaded up and just bred an army of these mushroom-crabs, then they could have lined a mountain side with them and put the entire region to bed. They could have cooked Pikachu and fooled around with Officer Jenny all they liked. BUT, with such an amazing move comes a price. Parasect was slow. Not slow like Slowbro, mind you, but slow like a wheel-chair with square-wheels being driven by an Ewok.
“Ahhhhh!” was the normal response as it would enter a match and die immediately. Its combination of Bug and Plant types, like Beedrill, left it resistant to nothing. Rocks squished it easily, a Charizard fart could incinerate it, and Birds and other Bugs did a ga-zillion boosted damage to it. Therefore, the uselessness of one of the best moves in the game was completely dashed. Some faster Pokemon could even land 2-3 attacks before it was offered… one… tuuuurn.
Generation 1 had conquered the world, so Generation 2 had a sky’s the limit bounty of potential. Then, we played it. Some favorite Pokemon from the prior generation were really watered down, and a lot of the new Pokemon were just plain uninspired. At number 8 is the genuinely uninspired schlock known as Dunsparce. Look at it! What the- WHAT?!
Dunsparce was described in the Pokedex as a land snake. However, it can’t evolve, has terribly low stats, and despite being the result of the one-night stand between Arbok and Pidgey, is classified as a Normal type Pokemon. Wait, so Arbok is a snake but a Poison type, and Gengar is made of gas and is a Posion and Ghost type, but the thing that is a snake with huge eyes and fairy wings is a Normal type? C’mon!
When you caught this thing, you had to use it out of curiosity. However, like Parasect, it was overly slow and didn’t have a useful move-set. Moreover, its ugliness and weirdness offered nothing to the story. Even Ash didn’t bother catching it in the anime. Yeah, this is the kind of thing that happens when ideas run out, and the developers at Nintendo drink soju-bombs all night instead of working.
It is a heart. Okay, it is a fish, and it is shaped like a heart. It also shows the terribly off-target balance that the Pokemon franchise was trying to achieve. While Dunsparce was utterly repulsive and a head-scratcher to behold, Luvdisc was meant to be a tiny, non-evolving cute fish.
Unfortunately, when it attacked and spit water out of its mouth it quickly became obvious that it was a penis- Not one of those amazing specimens you can see in the NFL locker-rooms in Any Given Sunday, but more like one of those all-sack and nearly introverted dicks that members of Congress carry in the U.S. Government.
Question: Did the penis castle from the Little Mermaid DVD cover inspire this? Either way, it may actually be far more scary than Dunsparce. Perhaps it will attach itself to Dunsparce when mating season begins. Hey, ugly Pokemon need penis’s, too. Add this one to the list of useless move-sets and low stats. This Pokemon would be lucky to survive a splash-attack from Magikarp. Speaking of Magikarp…
6) Gyarados (Generation 2, NOT Generation 1)
Gyarados was to be feared. Its evolution was a chore, as Magikarp could not attack, and so one had to place it first, quickly tag it out, and then split experience points among two to three Pokemon. BUT, when Magikarp evolved to Gyarados it was amazing- RAWR!!!
Gyarados was a dragon-like Pokemon with the features of a massive sea-serpent. Its original Special Attack levels were off the chart and one could easily arm it with a variety of attacks to steamroll opponents: TANK!
Then, Generation 2 was like, “Hey! Let’s keep the annoying evolution practices but cut its Special Attacks in half. Oh, and it is a Flying type. It can’t fly, but it IS a Flying type.”
Thus, the Flying type aspect, even though Gyarados could not learn Fly or other Bird attacks, made sure that Electric Attacks could do amazing amounts of damage. Once the Special Attack on this behemoth were retarded, then using it just became… retarded. Bye-bye tank (tear falls). Hello, uselessness.
Shedinja is more of a bad-ass than both Beedrill and Gyarados combined. First, the thing is formed from the husk of a hatched Ninjask. It has tattered wings, and it is rumored that people staring at it will lose their souls. It is also one of the only Pokemon that can commit suicide. Seriously.
For those coming in late, this Pokemon was immune to a variety of attacks, but would die instantly if struck by a Flying, Fire, Dark, Rock, or Ghost attack. It only held 1 point of health, but was immune to all other attack types. Thus, if one could find a Psychic with none of the above attacks, then one could royally dick whomever one was facing. But, if one taught it Sandstorm, then one could use the move, and Shedinja would die because it cast a Rock Attack on itself. Although it is the embodiment of loneliness, its tricky evolution did not offer much in battle once the world caught on to its background. At best it was a novelty and, at worst, it was useless.
I was very excited when I first encountered Absol. It looked sinister and it had a massive “blade” on top of its head. It seemed to be the Pokemon that Terry Gilliam had created from the piece of evil in Time Bandits.
Then, we caught it and it was a huge let down. Aside from Slash, its move-set was below standard and its overall stats were too low to leave on any team. Unlike our disappointment in the cool looks of Beedrill and Shedinja, Absol’s uselessness was Earth shattering in that it’s perhaps one of the finest looking species of Pokemon EVER: glowing red eyes, giant blade, big claws, etc.
Rotom is Pokemon’s answer to Gremlins. It looks like a condom with a lightning shield, and we here at WASD: UK have always wanted to wear a glow-in-the-dark condom with a monster and bolts on it. I mean, who hasn’t wished for such a thing?
In addition, Rotom had the cool ability to change both its appearance into one of the appliances in the lab where it is found as well as its type. A lawnmower? No problemo, friend-o!
What makes this Pokemon useless is that the idea of it is far better than how it is used in the game. The forms that it takes are meant to let it wreak havoc. For instance, when it possesses a lawn-mower, as seen on the right, it is doing so to fuck shit up. Can’t you just imagine hearing Misty yelping, “Hey, who carved ‘I give anal’ on my Bulbasaur?!”
Unfortunately, once it is in your line-up, then its havoc is gone. It just shoots Thunder and stands there like all Pokemon. Although its shape can change, this morphing ability neither alters its move-sets nor can it change types anymore. As a result, it is just another useless Electric type that is now permanently linked to the Ghost type. What a disappointment! Oh, and do not feed it after midnight!!!
Look, if Pokemon are going to stop trying, then we are going to stop trying. Nosepass, which is the pre-evolutionary stage of Probopass, had very high Defensive stats, but it was simply a giant red nose in the middle of a boulder.
Probopass, for some reason, looks like it has two duck-heads for arms and a giant bush inspired from the pornos of the 1970’s, which it also uses to mop caves. Hell, why not just throw in a mariachi hat? Oh.
What makes this thing useless, is that its attacks and its Rock type offered little damage and tons of weaknesses. Can anybody explain why Ground attacks like Earthquake hurt Rock types? Rocks are part of that process. Alas, just remember that all Rock types, like Bug types, are suckified.
1) ALL Generation 5 Pokemon
If old-school fans scan Generation 5 Pokemon, then it is not very hard to figure out that nearly every character is recycled. Just take a gander at the two characters below, Swoobat and Bouffalant. In Generation 1, they were known as Tauros and Golbat.
Remember the old adage, which is lightning doesn’t strike twice. It is understandable when companies want to reinvent characters for a new generation, but cartoon re-runs and alternate games like the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon series have kept common monsters like Pikachu alive and fresh. This collection as a whole was a poor attempt at recasting the original games in new skins.
Even the G5 starter characters were old news, and some Legendary Pokemon, like Victini, just seemed to be a red-colored Celebi, also from an earlier generation. As a result, the entire cast of the 5th Generation failed and were, as a sum, useless speed bumps towards a newer, fresher take. Will Pokemon X/Y provide that?