The 10 Marvel D-Listers & the Televangelists Who Would Play Them

Let’s just admit this before one other person in the universe grows a backbone and notes that Marvel/Disney’s new television series Agents of SHIELD just isn’t that good. Everybody loves Joss Whedon and is willing to give him at least a season to prove his newer ideas can take flight. However, the C-Level cast of characters and the lack of continuity in SHIELD has many starting to yawn.

Thank all that is holy that you have us here at WASD UK to brain storm ideas to add some spice to the show! Our ideas? Bring even worse D-Level characters out of the Marvel archives and cast televangelists to play them. Let the Christian majority buy in and launch Disney/Marvel’s version of the Bible (they’ll own the copyrights by 2014 anyway) with Apocalypse as Satan and Wolverine as Jesus. No, we hear it, too. “Ka-Ching!”

Holla, holla, get dolla!

THE 10 MARVEL D-LISTERS & THE TELEVANGELISTS WHO WOULD PLAY THEM:

10) ARMLESS TIGER MAN

If Armless Tiger Man fails to make an appearance in a live-action show, then Marvel and Disney have failed all of humanity! In real life, this Marvel Villain looks a lot like Nick Vujicic:

atm3

Powers:

Armless Tiger Man can use his teeth and feet in many ways. He can slide down a chain with his teeth, bite people and swing on a rope by biting it. His teeth have been sharpened for use as weapons. With his feet, he can hurl knives from between his toes, catch heavy weights, and perform nimble tasks of agility.

Image

Indeed, if ABC wanted a ratings blitz, then casting Nick Vujicic as ATM… Oh, man! Even his acronym is bad. Anyway, imagine him throwing knives and scaling walls and ropes to fight against Extremis powered mutants! Win.

Wait! On the second thought, the marketing for this would be quite catchy: ATM on ABC! Hmmm.

9) ZIPPERMOUTH

This mutant can tell how others feel. He is every University girl’s dream, because rather than screaming at their boyfriends for not knowing how they feel, Zippermouth could be all, “Hey, you’re sad because I was too tired to go to that frat-party and do funnel-shots wit’chew.”

zm1

Joyce Meyer

Powers:

Within the context of the stories, Zippermouth is a mutant gangster with the empathic ability to determine the moods of those around him.

When we entered “Televangelist can sense feelings” into Google the results were dominated by Joyce Meyer. According to the former inmates on the Walking Dead TV series, her short hair makes her a lesbian, which means that she wouldn’t mind playing a boy. “Interesting,” the inmates would say while stroking their respective goatees.

In addition, her ministry is founded on the belief that all people should not feel good, but should rather feel eternal guilt for their sins as God intended them to. Yes, we have never met a lesbian. Also, Joyce really does have lips like Zippermouth.

8) SCATHAN THE APPROVER

Disgraced does not even begin to describe Jim Bakker, who is due for a major makeover and come back. Not only does he owe the IRS millions, but he is also selling enema kits to prepare for the apocalypse to make up the money he owes the U.S. Government: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2145334/Televangelist-Jim-Bakker-selling-ENEMA-KITS-apocalyptic-survivalist-gear-pay-IRS.html

Scathan the Approver

Jim Baker

Powers:

Scathan is a Celestial from the alternate timeline/reality Marvel Comics designated as Earth-691 and is tasked with approving or disapproving situations.

That’s ALL he does. “Hey, Thor! That’s good. No, Captain America, no! That is bad!” See, Joss! It writes itself!

7) SACK

Names that tempt you to make fun of them are usually crafty. The band Garbage dared critics to call them… garbage, but they were really good! Their name made sense. It was snarky!

However, nicknames like sad-sack or ball-sack are easy. What was Marvel thinking? This super-villain doesn’t even get lines, as you can see in the picture below:

Sack

bENNY hINN

Powers:

He is able to shift his liquid form to cover and control his host while virtually undetected. However, his form is not porous, causing his hosts to drown inside him. Because his body is not made of solid matter, he is resistant to injury.

When we closed our eyes and thought of televangelists who truly are ball-sack-esque, Benny Hinn jumped into our minds. Do you remember this guy? He is an all encompassing sack that drained his ministry’s followers of millions while claiming to have the power of Christ in his hands.

Note to Disney/Marvel: insert a plot line where Black Widow defeats him by using a microwave.

Just watch the video below to witness:

6) SCRIBE

The term scribe can hold a vast majority of responsibilities. This Marvel character doesn’t. She is the glorified secretary of the Hellfire Club which, as you saw in the X-Men First Class film, was a nightclub where anything went. The televangelist named Juanita Bynum would be perfect to play her on TV.

Scribe

Juanita Bynum

Powers:

Scribe showed proficiency regarding the recording technology utilized by the London Hellfire Club to keep a record of their meetings.

Wow! Juanita Bynum, like most of her predecessors, was disgraced for hooking up with ladies. Was it at the Hellfire Club in London? Well, it could be for the TV series. Also, she likes wearing tiaras. Tiaras are the second most evil accessory known to man. Oh, don’t get me started on umlauts. F^&K umlauts! Here is her audition reel to be the Universe’s most evil administrative assistant:

5) SHAMROCK

Hi, I am am Marvel.

And, I am a DC. As you look around your room, we have cornered nearly every useful appliance and made it into a hero or villain: calculators, lanterns, and, hell, even beetles. Why not?

Oh, yeah. As a Marvel, have you cornered every nationality? I know the British, who are all drunks. Captain Britain is, therefore, an alcoholic. Also, the Irish people are all lucky, like their leprechauns and clovers have taught us. Man, Lucky Charms are yummy. By the way, Shamrock is an Irish heroine, who is really, really lucky. If you throw something at her, then it will probably miss and strike Captain Britain instead.

Shamrock

jan crouch

Powers:

Molly Fitzgerald’s father was a fanatically militant Irish nationalist. When Molly was three years old, her father took her and her brother to the north Ireland mountainside as he asked the heavens to grant his son the power to strike down its enemies. Although nothing seemed to have happened, Molly found in her freshman year in college that she was the one who was blessed. She discovered she was surrounded with a protective aura that caused random improbabilities to manifest themselves on her behalf whenever she was in trouble. Rather than return to the war-torn mountains, she used her “good luck powers” to become Ireland’s super heroine, Shamrock.

The super-televangelist, Jan Crouch, who helped found TBN, and who believes that Jesus resurrects chickens would be an amazing Shamrock!

Most likely, because she has a horrid southern accent, Shamrock would have to change her name to Bible Belt, and instead of having a “good luck” aura, she could have a “resurrects chickens” aura. SHIELD would never go hungry again! They would just need that one “Jesus” chicken (pronounced Jesus chicken) to arise over and over and over…

4) UGLY JOHN

Ugly John

Um. Yeah. So. Well… Ugly John has no powers. He is the mutant who got the shortest end of every genetic stick EVER. While radiation has granted otherworldly powers to millions of heroes, like The Hulk, it gave this guy 3 faces. Understandably, he just gave up, stopped shaving, and took the name Ugly John.

Peter Popoff

Peter Popoff is the OG of televangelists. He came to fame by guessing people’s afflictions, before being exposed as a fraud on national television. But, like Ugly John’s ugliness, nothing could stop his fraudliness. He came back in force by offering Miracle Spring Water as well as a series of divinity kits. He is also the inspiration behind the hated wrestling character known as Brother Love. Thus, we are imagining Ugly John with one head that can guess your affliction, the middle head sells Miracle Spring Water, and the last head suggests how failed actors can become WWE managers.

3) UNUS THE UNTOUCHABLE

This flamboyant bully became a professional wrestler, because nobody had the ability to touch him. Read that last sentence aloud and ponder the logic. Yeah, so Unus was an immigrant who used his powers to bully kids in school and, like all bullys, wanted to be a star.

Look no further than Robert Tilton as your televangelist for this part. Robert has regularly gone nuts on camera and spoken in “tongues” as well as claimed that the power of Christ can make midgets grow. His flamboyance would make for an amazingly disturbing episode for the Agents of SHIELD to handle.

Unus the Untouchable

rt

Powers:

Angelo Unuscione is a superhuman mutant whose powers did not surface until adolescence. He first used them as a school bully, and later as a small time criminal. At some point after immigrating to America, Unuscione legally changed his name to Gunther Bain. He used his ability to create a virtually impenetrable force field around himself to launch a career as a flamboyant, invincible costumed wrestler known by the stage name of Unus the Untouchable.

2) PAPER DOLL

Reverend X does his best work, we suspect, when he is angry. Evangelical terms like whitie, beatch, and skiptour (scripture?) are but some of the wonderful things you’ll hear him preaching about on public access. His hair is amazing as well! But, before we get to him…

Paper Doll

x

Powers:

Piper Dali gained her powers after being compressed in her father’s dimensional compressor, and she took the name Paper Doll. She was overly infatuated with the actor, Bobby Carr, who she believed had communicated with her through the television set. After Peter Parker took a picture of Carr punching Frankie Kollins, a member of the paparazzo, he learned that Edith Harper was killed and found flattened to death. Edith Harper had sued Carr for assaulting her, and after Paper Doll attacked Kollins for the same reason, it was determined she was punishing people she believed were Carr’s enemies. Paper Doll ultimately invaded Carr’s mansion where she attacked his date, Mary Jane Watson, but Spider-Man intervened and captured Paper Doll.

Having him play a girl, whose power is to be thin, really, really thin, would make him accuse whitie of miscasting him. He already has the hair for it, and Joss could tell him that SHIELD is run by a non-whitie with an eye-patch. “A Blacrate?” he would ask before all the Disney/Marvel executives began to nod their heads, mesmerized by his prophet-like ways.

1) RAINBOW

This is the perfect opportunity to go back into another “I’m a DC, I’m a Marvel” skit, but we’ll just tell you that, again, Lanterns were taken. Therefore, Marvel created Spaceknights, the most famous being ROM, and one of them has the powers of a rainbow. Rainbows are NOT to be trifled with, mind you. They have lots of color, make children point, and people like taking pictures of them.

Rainbow

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Jonathan Bell is known as the screaming preacher. If you watch the clip below, then you’ll realize how awesome he could make the character of Rainbow, who, like him, is on another planet.

Just close your eyes and imagine him yelping, “Rainbow beam. FIRE!!! MOSES PROMISED THAT A RAINBOW, BLAH, BLAH,BLAH…”

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